In sports, as in life, happiness is a goal. In addition to being nice by itself, being happy (or having fun) allows athletes to help both themselves and others. Gratitude is a key ingredient for happiness. Nothing undermines gratitude more than expectations. If a person expects something of himself or someone else and the expectation is not met, he will obviously not be grateful. Instead, he will feel frustration or disappointment, and quite possibly anger. These are not useful emotions for getting better faster, making teammates better, or performing with grace under pressure. If he expects something of himself or others and the expectation is met, he will still not feel grateful and often will not even feel happy about it. By assuming that this is what was supposed to happen or what they were supposed to get, people take their blessings for granted.
Many athletes expect to perform well because they have practiced hard and they are talented, but reality teaches us that:
Talent + Hard Work ≠ Performance
Sometimes hard-working, talented athletes try hard and stink. When this occurs, many people try to bend reality to their viewpoint. They get frustrated (of course) that their life is not fitting together as expected. Instead of recognizing that the above formula needs to acknowledge many mental skills as part of the performance equation, they continue to fight an unwinnable battle.
Expectations are not goals. Goals are targets to work towards; they motivate because they excite and help people to stay on track. Effective goals must be monitored and adjusted. Goals are flexible. Expectations are not flexible and they do not excite. Instead, they cause tension and heaviness. They create worry, or the fear of failure. This fear is reflected in the thoughts “need/gotta/have to.” These make it difficult to focus, because the athlete is no longer fully present in the moment. He is worried about feeling like a failure later. Without expectations, the curse words “need/gotta/have to” change easily to “want.”
High expectations are related to confidence, but they are not the same. The expectant thought, “We should win this” is horrible self-talk that has led to many upsets. The physically superior team presses when the game does not start out as expected. The underdogs sense their opportunity and gain confidence and a reason to fight. The favored team presses, questions everything from their game plan to their skills, and makes “careless” mistakes. Mental skills (a.k.a. momentum) snowball for both teams – in opposite directions.
The confident thought, “We will win if we play up to our potential” is great self-talk that reports the truth. It takes nothing for granted, because built into this idea is the fact that giving a best effort performance is never easy – and doing so is unrelated to the current opponent. Who are we playing today? Ourselves. Great athletes are humble (read: not arrogant; no expectations) and respectful of the game. They are confident, too, but their humility keeps them from going over the edge to cockiness.
Are there exceptions to the idea that expectations are bad? Yes. They are not outcome related. Expectations about outcomes are always counter-productive! The exceptions are related to process. Examples might include being kind, good sportsmanship, and aspects of discipline. Coach Wooden defined success as “the peace of mind that comes from knowing you did your best.” Is it okay to expect a best effort from self or others? Not really. Only if the expectation includes the caveat of “nobody’s perfect.” At anything. Best effort is the goal. Getting there is a process. An appropriate exception is to expect progress (again, not in outcomes! Progress is learning.) Progress means that the average performance improves with time, but in the short term, it is impossible to know what will happen because there are so many variables involved. Instead of expecting to do well, try to do well and be very curious about outcomes.
If you decide you want to avoid expectations, there is a simple (though not easy) test to figure out if you are succeeding. Do you hear the words ‘should’ or ‘supposed to’ in your self-talk? These can occur at both the conscious and subconscious levels, with similar effects. However, with effort, we can become aware of all of our thoughts. Awareness equals truth and it comes from a sincere desire to discover it. By persistently asking, “Am I thinking 'I should…'" the answer will be found. (More about bad words to think here.)
Another tool for avoiding expectations of others is to use hints of anger and resentment as action signals to get curious. Anger and frustration at the behavior of others is nothing less than a coaching epidemic. Whether you are called “Coach” or not, each member of a team influences others. Great teams get leadership from everyone, which leads to great chemistry. Great chemistry comes from mutual respect. When someone has a behavior that you do not respect, it is fine to disrespect the behavior, but not the person. Instead, get curious as to why that person acted in that way. By connecting with this person with empathy, you will be in position to help them make a useful adjustment.
In conclusion, great athletes stay positive, get better faster, and focus better because they are mindful rather than judgmental about outcomes. They achieve this in large part by avoiding expectations. To avoid expectations successfully, monitor your self-talk and use logic and humility to change “should” and “supposed to” to “could” and “want to.” You'll probably also want to change “need/gotta/have to” to “want to.” Then, focus on W.I.N. (What’s Important Now) before, during, and after competition. When you achieve this, you are very likely to win... in sports and in life.